Our addictions have done damage to our relationships with our children. It’s inevitable, but not irreparable. Whether we think we hid our habit from them or not, chances are we didn’t. Children are very perceptive and we need to give them credit for that, even when we think they’re too young to notice. When we stop using, they know there’s something different about us—they might be too young to understand what it is, or why our behavior has changed, but they know that it has.

We need to show them, with our actions, that we can act responsibly and consistently. This won’t be easy, even if they’re too little to remember exactly what happened. If you have older children who can remember what you were like when you drank or used, it’s going to be even harder to rebuild that trust. It’s by no means impossible, but it’s going to take a lot of time and effort.

We can never reclaim the time we’ve wasted drinking and drugging. It’s natural to feel regret for this, especially when we’ve chosen to get drunk or high instead of spending time with our kids. Some addicts will argue that they did spend time with their children, that they were ”functioning” drunks or addicts, keeping up with their responsibilities in the home. Usually, though, they’re fooling themselves. They might have been present physically, but mentally they were obsessed with their addiction. Imagining that their children didn’t notice is wishful thinking, at best. 

For the first four years of my son’s life I battled unsuccessfully to stay sober. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression a few months after he was born, but the antidepressants I was taking didn’t have a chance to work because I was drinking so heavily. My “World’s Greatest Mom” credentials only snowballed from there: I spent my first Mother’s Day alone because of a binge, and I spent my son’s first birthday in a treatment center. Not surprisingly, his father filed for divorce and was given full custody. I was awarded visitations, but they were contingent on my staying away from alcohol.

After the divorce, I could only manage a few months sober at a time. A pattern emerged in which I’d see him regularly for a few months, relapse, and then only be in his life sporadically until I could piece my life back together. It wasn’t until he was four years old that I finally made it through my first continuous year of recovery.

At the time, he obviously didn’t understand why he lived with his dad and only stayed with me on weekends. He was confused and acted out, misbehaving and defying me at every possible turn. I realize now that he was testing to see how far he could push me before I’d take off again. Until I got serious about my recovery, my son had been on an emotional rollercoaster set in motion by my behavior for all of his young life. He needed reassurance that I’d be around for him, not just physically, but emotionally. The only way that I could regain his trust and prove to him that I wasn’t going anywhere was to show him.

That meant providing stability and consistency. When I said I was going to do something, I made sure that I did it. If I said I’d call him on the phone, I always called. And if I promised to pick him up at 6:00, I showed up at 5:59. It didn’t matter if my ass was falling off—I kept my word. There are no shortcuts to rebuilding trust, but honesty, reliability, and stability do work. I know because I did it. It wasn’t easy, but I’m grateful every day for my son, who now shares his time equally between his father and me.

As I mentioned earlier, rebuilding relationships with older children can be more difficult. This is especially true for teenagers because, let’s be honest, teenagers like to rebel against their parents in the first place, whether they have good reason or not. A friend of mine has four years of recovery, with a husband and a teen at home. Her daughter was eleven when she got sober, so she remembers her mother being drunk and the lifestyle that went with it. Even now, these memories are a constant source of problems between the two of them. While she’s able to be in her daughter’s life consistently now, there’s still noticeable friction. Only time will heal the damage completely.

There are some very good programs for teenagers living in these situations, like Al-Ateen, where they can go and talk about their experiences with their peers. This is very important because they need to hear and be heard by other teens who have been in their shoes, rather than parents or adults, who might as well be from a different planet as far as they are concerned.

As you look to repair your relationships with your children, remember that the door swings both ways. It’s not unusual for us to have inherited our problems from our own parents. Being the daughter of an alcoholic, my siblings and I grew up with the disease in our household. We experienced the constant feeling of “walking on eggshells” in our home, never knowing what to expect or how to act to avoid a scene. Our home life was anything but normal, but we didn’t know any different. My father was a practicing alcoholic until the day he died, while my mother stopped drinking seven years ago. At thirty-four years old, I was supposed to be a grown woman when my mother got sober, but my age didn’t stop me from blaming her for my awful childhood. I still remembered all the bad times, and I made sure she’d never forget, either. But with time, and my own experiences in recovery, I learned to let go of some of that hurt. Now, my mother and I have a better relationship than we ever did, or probably could have had otherwise. It isn’t only that we both no longer drink; it’s that we no longer dwell on the past, so we’re able to enjoy the present. I love and appreciate my mother for who she is today, not for the image I had of her as a kid.

It doesn’t matter what age our children are when we get sober. Whether they’re three, thirteen, or thirty, our recovery can be the cornerstone of a new relationship with them. Obviously, the younger your kids are, the less likely they’ll remember your ”using” days, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get close to them at any age. Sometimes, as with me and my mother, remembering the bad times help us to appreciate the good ones, and in doing so, we can all move on and begin to heal. It’s true that the age of our children is a key factor in how they deal with our new found sobriety, but if we make an effort to be accountable and present in their lives, the relationship will get a chance to rebuild itself and ultimately grow no matter how young or old they are.