"My first experience with alcohol was when I was about 7-8. I used to get bad chest colds and my mother used to give me tea with lemon and whiskey to help me sleep, I did not know what it was but it helped me sleep.
By the time I was 12-13 we used to have these massive 4th of July parties at my cousins house and the adults used to get a full keg of beer, we used to fill our soda cans up with the beer and go into the front yard and drink.
At 16 I used to go once in a while with my uncles to Brooklyn to see relatives and any related business, and they would stop at a bar on the was home and drink boiler makers, and they would buy me a short beer or two. I thought at the time it was exciting and dangerous at the same time. They both died of alcohol related diseases by the time they were in their 60s.
Once I reached College I used to go the college barn where we would party that was fun to meet other people and get liquid courage to talk to females.
I met a female that I started dating and used to go to her apartment, she and her roommate used to drink wine and smoke Hashish, this was my first time with any cannabis, and I liked the feeling that it gave me when I mixed it with the wine, it was a trip. I remember trying to drive home one night from her apartment pretty intoxicated and was stopped by the police; the DUI rules were different in the early 70s. The officer called my father and we parked the car in a gas station, and he took me home, this was humiliating because my dad was a hard working man and needed his sleep.
After that I drank once in a while but nothing steady for a few years, and I moved to Maine for my profession. I was a Police Officer for 25 years. I was a pretty innocent kid at that time and in order to fit in we had a lot of card parties and a lot of drinking beer. I still did not drink steady; I saw a lot of things in my career that I had never seen before and a lot of death. I started becoming cynical.
It was about the time that I started changing shifts a lot in my 30s when I became a weekend alcoholic. I would not drink on the days I had to work but would go through a six pack on each of my nights off. This went on for years, but I kept in mind I had small children and did not want them to see me drunk. I helped raise 4 wonderful Children, who all have their own lives. My ex wife and I were divorced and remained friends still to this day. She is one of my biggest supporters.
I ended up meeting a woman . I started drinking every night just to go to sleep so I thought. The 6 pack turned into 8-10 and when that was not enough I started having swigs of her vodka too. This went on for a few years and then we broke up.
I ended up going back to my ex wife just in time to spend a few years with my daughters before they left for California. I started drinking wine instead of beer and vodka, I had a new love for wine because it used to calm me and put me to sleep better than the beer or vodka, however that went to a bottle of wine every night to a box of wine every 3-4 days and I started sleeping in my chair watching TV. My ex-wife and I ended up apart again.
I met Ann and she had been a recovering alcoholic but had started drinking on and off before I met her. She was into drugs also. I had no idea about the program at the time, or what the 12 steps were. We moved to an apartment and she used to fight with her daughter quite a bit and there was always a lot of stress in the house so we ended up breaking up temporarily, when we got back together I was drinking Vodka only and did that for about a year or so and that’s when I started getting blackouts and I started drinking wine again and still was drinking so much I was getting blackouts from that too.
I started drinking beer again and no blackouts but not enough alcohol so I started hiding a pint of Vodka here and there, in my office drawer, and I started lying to her about all of that, I remember her saying you can’t get that drunk from beer, and we would start fighting over my drinking again. The fighting started again, the picking. I was becoming very paranoid, and so was she. I would start out ok and we would be loving and then the fighting started. I really do not know who started what, but it really does not matter.
We ended up buying a house and we took our time and fixed it up it was fun and we did it together and we were very proud, at that time I was drinking beer. Things went well for a while and then I started hiding pints of vodka again and I started the blackout thing again and falling down and hurting myself and Ann did not know what to do with me I ended up going to rehab for the first time just to please her. Ann was a severe diabetic, and never really took care of herself. She would eat all kinds of candy and such, smoke a pack or more of cigarettes a day, and would end up in the hospital in intensive care. I spent more than a few nights in the intensive care unit, looking at her tubes and machines wondering if she was going to make it or not. I blamed myself because of my drinking for her illness. You see, I was taking care of her daughter also. This went on for about 5 years. I loved that girl, still do.
I came back and I was sober for about 30 days and started drinking again and it was vodka and beer again, this went on for about 6 months and I detoxed on my own with Ann and friends there and I stayed sober for 37 days and went back to drinking again, about 6 months later I started drinking during the day I used to hide bottles in the basement because that was where the washer and dryer was and I did the laundry so it was natural for me to go and get the laundry out of the dryer and put a new load in the washer, and I would have a nip of vodka or a beer early in the day. I had found my dream job. I was working in a music store, selling musical instruments, teaching guitar and just loving life, Alcohol had already taken its toll.
That went on for about a few months and then Ann got sick and I started missing work and I would not call in at all to take care of her and they finally let me go. I gave up. I was sure that there was nothing left, except misery. I had lost sight of all that was good in my life. I was accepting the unacceptable. I tried to keep it all together so we could stay together. I was obsessed with keeping the relationship alive, even if it killed me.
I never was violent but I was manipulative and berating which was mental abuse and she could not stand it anymore so she moved out, I missed her very much I felt that I was alone and abandoned, and started locking myself in my house and drinking and sleeping and this went on for about two weeks of a lot of vodka and finally I made up my mind that I needed help and went to rehab, hopefully for the last time.
Well that lasted about 60 days and I relapsed, I did not know why at the time but It was a red flag again because nothing really changed, my ex wanted to be friends but live on her own. I stopped drinking again and had about 2 weeks and when I came to visit her. There were mixed messages about getting back together. The signs for relapse were there again and I did not see it. I was feeling good and the pink cloud was still there, but I was obsessed with getting back with my ex girlfriend. She would put me off or say we will see what happens, and I was lonely and untrusting of anyone and I started to isolate again. I had no respect for myself and I just wanted her back so things could be good again in my own alcoholic mind. I relapsed again and ended up in rehab again and just detoxed there. I came out and tried again with the ex and swore I would not screw it up with her. The head games started again and I started drinking again. I woke up one morning and said screw it and I went to the store to buy more beer, or anything I could get numb with and that’s when I crashed my truck and was arrested for DUI….I thank god I did not hurt anyone else.
The girlfriend saw it in the newspaper and her friends called her and all she could do was call me and give me a hard time, never asking me if I was hurt or anything like that. I became angry and told her it was completely over between us and I did not ever want her to call me again, and I told her that she was one of my drinking triggers and sarcastically thanked her for standing behind me when I was sick. After a few days I ended up in rehab again, this time I spent 7 days there and I listened and spoke to god a lot and I worked it out in my mind that this cannot ever happen again. I want my recovery desperately and am working very hard with my sponsor and IOP to get it, and watch the flags and triggers.
It has been almost 11 months since then and a lot of things have happened to me. I became we….us….This was the most important thing that happened to me since those days of rehab and out patient care. I left the hospital and was scared of staying sober. I was scared of drinking again. I did not know how to stay sober, and live in a sober world. I listened to many people in recovery. Taking what I could use and identifying with their stories.
I listened to people with a lot of sobriety and with less than I have and learned something from them all. I have found, at least for myself that I must remain teachable, humble and willing to stay sober. This journey is not an easy one, but it is as complicated as one makes of it. I have found that I am human, and I make mistakes. It is alright to make mistakes, if we learn from them. Helping others is a part of what we do. People in AA accepted me when I was broken, and most vulnerable and loved me until I could love myself. Giving my day to God every morning is what I do for me. Praying for other people is what I do for me. Loving people the best that I can, and helping them is what I do for God. You see, this is why we were chosen. Not to question his glory, but to praise it by helping others, in his name. Yes I am a Jesus freak, and proud of it. I am an AA freak also, and an NA freak as well."