Now that you are in recovery, you are probably going to hear people say that you need to put it above all else in your life, because if you don’t have recovery, you won’t have a life.  This is very true early on, but make sure that you talk to your spouse or partner before you dive in and exclude them completely. It's a good idea to explain to them that the first ninety days of sobriety are extremely crucial, and that you’re going to need to dedicate a lot of time to your recovery during this time. There's no doubt that this can be very hard on everyone in the beginning, but it will be well worth it in the long run.

It’s natural for your family members to think that because you’ve stopped using, you’ll immediately want to spend time with them. It’s often difficult to balance our own needs with the needs of our loved ones. For that reason, it’s common to hear of troubles in marriages and relationships in which one partner is an addict or alcoholic in recovery and the other isn’t. If this is the case in your relationship, begin by trying to look at things from the perspective of your partner. Most of us have been pretty selfish and self-centered. We’ve probably neglected and hurt them for months, or even years. Now they see us in recovery, feeling and looking better than we have in a long time, and they want to be around us. They want to be involved in our lives now that they can actually stand us.

A friend’s husband told me that once his wife started recovery, he felt like he didn’t know who she was anymore. She was never home, and when she was, she was always on the phone and text messaging her new sober friends. It was as if she were now addicted to recovery and had replaced the obsession of drinking with the obsession of not drinking. Moreover, she always made an extra effort to look nice when she went out. It didn’t take long for him to become convinced she was having an affair. His wife’s side of the story was that she was just enjoying her new life, her new friends, and the sense of independence that she hadn’t had when she’d been using. She said that her husband was being too critical because he was used to her being a wreck, clinging to him and begging for forgiveness for her latest screw-up.

This situation is far from unusual, and it can cause countless arguments.  One spouse is hurt and angry that they aren’t being included, and the other retaliates by telling them they don’t understand, and should be grateful that sobriety is in the picture. This creates a bad situation for everybody. While there may be nothing going on romantically with our recovery friends, telling our significant others that they don’t “get us” anymore only alienates them further. It is important to acknowledge our partners’ needs as we go through recovery, they may not know firsthand the personal torment that we’ve gone through like our new friends do, but they’ve no doubt been put through hell too.

It doesn’t have to be a constant battle; there is a way to compromise. My friend started to make her husband feel included. She kept him informed about the meetings she was attending, and if she was going for coffee afterward, she invited him along. She also made a dinner date with a recovery friend and her husband (who were also going through a similar experience) so they could all get to know each other. And a couple of nights a week, she made time to be alone with her husband, she turned off her phone and told her friends she’d be out of contact for the evening.

Even if it’s for just a few hours each week to begin with, give your partner your exclusive attention. You’ll be surprised at how a little goes a long way toward rebuilding your relationship and regaining trust. You can also try reading books together on recovery and look into family support groups such as Al-Anon. Your spouse doesn’t have to go to these meetings, but encouraging and making him or her aware of these groups will show that you’re thinking of his or her well-being too. My friend’s marriage isn’t perfect, but I don’t know of one that is! The most important thing is that they’re working on it together and not leading completely separate lives.

There are also, of course, situations in which both people in the relationship should be in recovery but only one of them is. If this is the situation you find yourself in, just keep working your program and be sure to ask your spouse if he or she would like to attend a meeting with you once in a while. It’s very important, though, to remember that we can’t force someone to get clean and sober (think of how we were). However, if your spouse sees you doing it, he or she may feel like trying it too, though don’t set your hopes sky-high. Your spouse might refuse to go, or might try it and decide it’s not for him or her. You probably didn’t get sober overnight, and your spouse won’t either.

In the event that your partner continues his or her substance abuse and has no desire to get clean and sober, you may need to consider moving to an alcohol and drug-free environment where you won’t have to face the temptation on a daily basis. It’s unfortunate, but it does happen, and if you really want to stay the course, it might be the best decision you can make for yourself and your recovery.